Oct 23, 2006

A Physical Thing at Last

The physical DVD arrived in the mail this morning. I watched it all through. What a thrilling and terrifying experience. It's so amazing to see it all, but also terrifying to think that people will be seeing it and judging it.

I took a few copies over to the bar where I have lunch everyday. Alli was going to stop by to pick them up, but the waitress, Shelly, bought one for herself, and then proceeded to sell three more to regular customers. People I barely know, but see almost everyday at lunch. Industry professionals with long histories. Very nerve wracking. I am horrified at the thought of disappointing them, or looking like a fool. I am not subject to personal embarrassment, but my creative pursuits are always on fragile footing. I want to be doing well, to deserve better, so badly.

Anyway, I'll say it again: it's worth the money. It'll make you laugh at least once, or there's something seriously wrong with you. It's something to explore over and nice evening or two, maybe with friends and family. Maybe by yourself on a lonesome night. And it will help make my dream project a reality. So, shuffle on over and buy one up.


I want this to be a sign of great things becoming real. Of pleasures that I can hold in my hands.

Oct 21, 2006

Another Weekend

It's been a week.  A week of strange changes and vaguely forming possibilities.  There is much that could unfold, or fold back into stagnation.  As such, I appreciate the quiet right now.  I appreciate the time to rest and reflect.  I need a real recharging if I'm to move forward into the months ahead without terror.  So much to do, and so much riding on it.  I depend on a miracle or two.

Meanwhile, get your butt a DVD. 

Oct 18, 2006

Big Exciting Newness Abounds!!

If you haven't heard from me lately, it's probably because I've been locked away in the lab, putting together something special.  And now it's ready.  It's called Transmission from Sedna, and it's a two-disc DVD set, featuring all the short-films I've been working on over the last three years.

They're professionally packaged, and the main disc is pressed from a glass master – not burned – which means it's an investment that will last, and last, and last, something you'll hand down generation after generation.  Because DVDs will never go out of style.  Never.

On it, you'll find full-resolution versions of all our best shorts, Momentary Engineering, Antebellum, Home Team, Brains!!!, Signal Decay, Just Us League, Home Front, Home Movie, and more. There's over 90 minutes of stuff on the first disc alone, and it's all short and sweet enough to watch while you eat a midnight snack.  There's commentary on most of the films, which is almost as thrilling as actually talking to me. You'll get deleted scenes, alternate scenes, and trailers – all presented with beautiful animated menus. Plus, you'll find detailed Behind the Scenes documentaries for Signal Decay, Just Us League, Antebellum, The Men You've Killed, and Helicopter Theory, which means you'll actually see my smiling face, something unlikely to happen any other way this holiday season.

To top it all off, you'll find the world premiere of Anniversary Dinner, which I wrote and directed, a wicked, twisted short, and Misplaced Planet's first official production, shot in 2003, recovered and re-edited for this collection. You can't see it any other way. 

And, best of all, every thin-dime earned goes directly into the coffers for our next major production: Zaniness Ensues, written and directed by me, starring Jess Temple and Matt McNutt, and filming this January.

Go here to order it online: http://www.misplacedplanet.com/shop

PS: If you buy the full set, you don't have to get me anything for Christmas.

Oct 16, 2006

Wasting Major Time

I apparently have a strange idea of what's a good way to relax. And I'm not usually a computer nerd, but I'm about to sound like one.

I left work a little early today and stopped at Best Buy to get a 120 gig hard drive that they had on sale. Despite a migraine that kept peeking through the clouds of medication, I installed the hard drive and then installed the free beta release candidate of Windows Vista, which won't be available to the general public until first quarter next year.

In short, I was quite impressed. It was attractive, responsive, and had a sturdy, quick-footed feeling that Windows usually lacks. It also had a lot of nice new features, and a sidebar full of gadgets that actually beats out the Google sidebar, of which I'm an regular user. I can also say that the integrated search really made finding things easy -- especially programs. No more trying to remember which folder I put the program icon in. Just type a few letters of the program I'm looking for, and there it is. Very nice. Windows Internet Explorer 7, which is a little clunky on XP, flies along in 64bit mode on Vista. Very fast.

Unfortunately, it doesn't have a full set of device drivers yet, so my sound-card and secondary video-card didn't work. Nor did my scanner. This is to be expected from a beta release, and I'm sure that the companies who made these items will produce Windows Vista drivers, once it's actually released.

And I'll tell you what -- if sound and my second monitor had worked -- I'd probably be re-installing all my programs to Vista right now -- I'd probably be writing this on Vista. I haven't been at all impressed by a new Microsoft release since Windows 95, back before I knew anything at all. This one looks pretty solid, and makes me happy that I got myself a next-generation 64bit PC, instead of a low-end Macintosh (for the same price). But don't quote me on that.

Alas, without sound and my second monitor, I'm back on XP for now. However, it only takes a reboot to switch between the two, so I might be playing with it more in the future. And when the upgrade finally comes out, I will certainly be making the switch.

That is the end of my computer-nerdery for a few years.

And so, now, I sleep.

Oct 7, 2006

Above Average

I need to stop reading horoscopes. They make too many promises. Or join an astrological sign that gets a daily dose of "nothing much is gonna happen today."

Oct 6, 2006

On Second Thought...

I will probably just lay in bed and play with my cell phone. Which is not a euphemism for anything.

Forcast for Tonight, Likely Continuing Through Tomorrow

I am going to get rip-roaring, riotously, ridiculously drunk. I am going to get vengefully drunk. I am going to drink until my ancestors pass out.

I have sent out invitations to everyone I know -- join me in a night of old-fashioned, flagrant irresponsibility -- right after I finish work and walk the dog. But they're, to the last, afraid to follow me off this masochistic precipice. I will repel alone into the mouth of the cavern.

Tonight, I plan to post the words, "Don't jump! It's not worth it!" on absolutely all the Myspace profiles I can find. It should really confuse people.

Oct 2, 2006

Semi-Annual Exorcism

I hate to give the impression that I spend my days sulking, but this ridiculous journal has become the place for me when I have some woe to spew. So many of my complaints about life are summarized by that: I have no one to share my troubles with, and that is the whole of my troubles. However, writing has always been soothing to me, and every writer scribbles in hope that it will someday be read by the right person.

Another potential companion (the one I mentioned earlier) jumped ship on me this past weekend. I must have done something wrong during the conversation, failed to amuse, because she begged off the call by saying she was going "away." And that was the last I heard of her, despite e-mails and contact attempts.

Immediately following that, my closest female friend expressed long-hidden romantic intentions for me, intentions I did not share. If I do not draw a line, I will be stringing her along. I must separate, cause myself pain, in order to avoid her continued long-term suffering. Now, one of my closest friendships is in a mess, and I remain mockingly without prospects for love.

I am left calling my mother at three in the morning.

Immediately following that, my good friend at work received a $40,000 check for his screenplay. He will be going to part-time. I will lose one more reason to go to work, and will add one more set of duties to steal writing time. And still, no raise to speak of, nothing to ease the sting of the lengthening days and increasing stress. When your screenwriting friend gets a check for $40,000, you cannot help but wonder what the hell you're doing with your life as a screenwriter.

Well, what I've been doing is, I've been spending every waking minute working on the compilation DVD that we're having professionally pressed, "Transmission from Sedna." It will have all of our (Misplaced Planet's) short films on it. A two disc set. Aside from the documentaries, I wrote them all. And we'll be pushing those to raise money for the short film we're shooting in January, Zaniness Ensues, which I wrote, which I'm directing, which is based on a feature length screenplay of mine, which will be again rehearsed this weekend.

I think all these things are the right moves to make. I think they're all good career choices. They're all things to be proud of. But day after day, getting up, going to the office, waiting to get home, then going to my room, working until bedtime... it's a lonely life. That's the truth of it. It's lonely. And I've been living it for so, so, so long. Four years now. Four years.

And in those four years, I've done the dating thing from every angle. Online, through friends, trying to resurrect old crushes, going to parties, going to bars, approaching people at work... God, I played the game to exhaustion in New York, and it's only gotten harder in LA. In New York, I was always having the heartbreak of ending a relationship with someone far more into me than I was into them. Here, I can't get beyond the first phone call.

It's not wonder that I'm most happy when my creative pursuits block out these harsh things. I've become something I pity: someone who needs to keep busy to keep from reflecting. I don't do it by watching TV or playing video games, I do it by writing and drawing and making websites and films. I've given up on dating a thousand times, I've become an expert at putting it out of my head, at cherishing the pleasures of independence and solitude. But now and then, the loneliness bubbles to the surface and demands attention. It seems to be frequently this time of year, as my birthday nears.

Around this time of year, I want a lap to lay my head in, to rest in until the spinning plates come softly to rest. Someone drawn closer to me when I admit my troubles, not driven away. Someone who doesn't demand entertainment of me. Someone warm and comforting and beautiful. I've been alone for a long, long, UNINTERRUPTED time, and I feel like the "best years of my life" are slipping through my fingers. This is not melodrama. The fact is, I will remember nothing but a fog of motion, devoid of emotional touchstones to tack them to memory. When days are all the same, differentiated by only the project at hand, the days are forgotten. And so much of my life is forgotten.

And I feel rage and desperation building up. I demand that someone to save me. I need an old friend to swoop in. A couple to set me up. A mad woman to force me into something dangerous. A magic girl to think I'm special and worth pursuit. I'm tired of being the motivator, the doer, the leader, the driving force. I'm tired of making the decisions. That is how I got here: I'm everyone's respected collaborator and leader, and no one's vulnerable, human, special connection. Everyone expects distant heroism of me -- I want someone who will be a hero FOR me, at least in this one avenue.

My friends are all getting married, or living in long-term, stable relationships. I'm serious. All of them (except the friend with a crush on me). They don't remember what it's like to face emptiness at the end of every day, to begin each day wondering why nothing seems to happen for you. And I don't know ANYONE, mark my word, ANYONE, who's been single and celibate as long as I have been. I'm stronger than most, but I'm pretty sure I'm corroding from the inside. This beam looks massive, but in a year's time, a sharp strike with crumble it, revealing dry rot and termites.

Love just seems to happen for so many people, and the truth is, I can't even find anyone to be interested in. There's not even a prospect to hang a false crush on. My life is empty of women, year after year after year after year. How many places must I live, how many friends must I make, projects must I start, groups must I join, jobs must I have -- before I brush up against one possible candidate to capture my imagination? To add a little comfort and fulfillment to my life? Do I really have to dive into endless debt, and apply to grad school, just to end the solitude? And why should it work any better than college?

And that... is my exorcism.

I'm sure it's too long for anyone to read. So be it. Let my pitiable predicament hide in clear view, blurred in a quick scroll by. And if you read this, thanks. Now go recruit a woman for Wilder.